Sunday, September 26, 2004

: you never know just what you have; until you get it yanked out of your chest :

relationships are a two-way street my dear, and i think we both know my car has died halfway in reverse.

whats this thing called love? i dont get it.. maybe the depression comes with commitment.. or maybe with the realization that the only thing im ever chasing after is a lie.

it seems that all im ever trying to do is prove that im something worth someones time.. somebody worth caring about.. somebody worth something.

and thats what you did_ you gave me just what i wanted; you gave me something you knew i would lose.

i guess you always found comfort in the fact that this would never be real.. you know me better than i know myself. and you knew all along that i would let you go and you could act it out to be a huge ordeal. when really youre just going along, just as normal..

\\ i ache from "what if's" //

i hate the fact that i didnt even make a ripple in your life.
its the one thing youll never forget.

giving all i thought i could is never enough.
story of my life.

i never wanted you to mean this much to me_

Saturday, June 05, 2004

day in & day out we strive to obtain true happiness.
jealousy.guilt.hatred.regrets.hypocrisy.criticism.judgements flood our brains and our hearts causing us to deny sympathy.passion.love.honesty.everything that is good.
but misery.heartache.depression.and lies are sadly all inevitable.
eventually you learn from your mistakes.
my problem is not letting go of my fears and insecurities..
my confidence is nonexistent now.

each relationship molds you into that unique person that you are.
every new relationship guarentees a new quality or a new part of your personality to become exposed.
be content with ur life and live every day to the fucking fullest.
discover what truly makes you happpy.

im done. thanx.
<333 xo

Sunday, May 09, 2004

you've been in front of me
when i needed footsteps to follow..
you've been behind me
when i needed encouragement..
and you've stuck beside me
when i needed a friend to make all the difference in the world..

i hope you realize how much you've changed
tiffany, courtney, and my life. thank you mom.
<3 with love, xo

Friday, April 09, 2004

lie again to me because i love the sound it makes
then fill my ears and my heart with all of your mistakes
twist me round and round so i bend and so i break
draw me how you want me and i'll try not to look so fake
hang over me till i look up to you
erase my crying eyes and make them bright like you
mend my broken heart with your thread of sin
pull me back to the start before i reach the end
play me again like another boring song
and so you won’t feel guilty i will sing along
now you’re growing tired of who i have become
you throw your hands up in the air… and with that you’re d o n e.

Sunday, February 22, 2004

ive learned that shit happens. get over it. life goes on...if its in the past theres nothing you can do about it, so why worry!? life will never be all about dreams and fairy tales, but you can still get a happily ever after that makes it all beyond worthwhile. when you finally find where you belong, what your purpose is, and as all the pieces come together..youll feel more complete and happy. youll see that every wrong that ever occurred before, f a d e s away and has only made you better than what you were because you survived it and youve gained everything youve ever needed and wanted. ive learned not to dwell on the little things that happen and dont dwell on everyone elses pity and pain...you should be more concerned with your own happiness first.

so people apparently want the truth from me.
here it is...
i have had many past friendships that didnt work out. i have been backstabbed over and over again. i fear of being close to anyone. i have trust issues with everyone. i have never had a real good boyfriend, one who actually loved me for me. i know i can be a bitch but on the inside i am extremely insecure and afraid to let anyone get to know who i am. i shut out the world from me because i fear what could happen if someone takes a chance on me. i am extremely scared of love and commiment. ive been pretending im someone else because then people wont get to know the real me. im afraid of acceptance. im constantly holding back my tears because i feel im supposed to be strong. im sick and tired of people acting like they are too fucking good for anyone else and walking around like they own everyone and everything. theyve pointed out all my flaws & they still stand there somehow acting like they care. i hate the way ive treated some people already. i wish i could take it all back, but i cant. and im sorry. i pray things will change. but they never do. everyone stays the same. i used to be this sweet and innocent girl who never dared to do anything wrong. and now im a snobby bitch because of my weaknesses in peer pressure. i dont want to be constantly failing and giving people what they want anymore. i need more time for me. i hate that i think i have to put on a painted smile for people, when on the inside im hurting and yearning to be liked and to be accepted. i hate how people try so hard to get close to me and all i do is push them away. ive crashed into my own faults so many times. and i cant do that anymore. its sad that i need to make mistakes just to learn who i am. but its true. and i have made mistakes and now im learning to be more open minded. im gonna trust people and hope they dont hurt me in the end. im not gonna push them away anymore. no one ever said that living life was going to be this easy, but no one ever said it was going to be this hard. im done living the life ill never have, not bein the real person that i am...

i hope you can accept me for me now..
unless your view of me is all too fake and you cant turn back!!

Sunday, February 08, 2004

im not tryin to sound like i have this so called depressing & shitty life but i feel like i need to vent right now. so if you dont care than dont read this...

my "so called" mother

i absolutely hate my mother!! there has been this huge void between us lately. im so sick of fightin with her all the time. i just broke down last nite & started crying for no reason. i dont feel like myself nemore. i regret my whole life. & i hate myself so much for sayin that but its true. i dont care about nething nemore. i pretty much hate my life right now, my school, & most of my family. i never thought id say that either but im sick of tryin to be something that im not. i know that ive screwed up so much lately & that ive enjoyed seeing my mother in pain & worrying about me all the time. but shes way over protective of me. in so many ways i just want to die. its so weird tho...i try to never let her get to me like this but she does. & i couldnt stop cryin.

i didnt do what i said i was gonna do & keep up with my word to change. i started to then crashed into my own faults & went in the same direction i was headed in before. im done. ive failed my mother & i cant try to be the perfect daughter shell never have.

im not gonna bother talking to her nemore. she keeps twisting my words & telling lies to my father, my grandma, & sisters. now theyve turned on me & theyve given up too.

i honestly dont even know what ive done wrong. but im not gonna try & change nemore for them, im just gonna put a smile on my face & go to school & do my work. & graduate. im gonna get a job....& if i screw up again for some reason..owell. i'll live with my own consequences & deal with them. im gonna live life to the fullest & just have fun while i can.

this all isnt worth it nemore...ya know!? just fuck it.

i love all my friends who have been there for me!! im glad i can talk to you guys now. i never dreamed of you guys seeing me like this tho & im sorry you did but i cant keep this all inside nemore. im not gonna be scared to say how i truely feel. some of this i cant seem to put into words...but i know i have never said that i wanted to die before. not after everything court went through. shes so amazing...& has survived, so can i. i dont want all of that to happen to me....& for my sisters seeing me like that.

i just dont understand how my mother can point out all my flaws & tell me she cares. especially now...my junior year & trying to help me in succeeding. where was she through freshman year when this all started & i began failing. why is it now she decides to push me harder. its kindof late for that. im usually the one to pick up all my pieces & stress out every year. ive made it this far havent i??

well here it is mother...no hype, no pretense...just me being true to you for once. i dont want your pity nemore.

im sorry im so naive & ive caused you all this pain. im sorry for all these hatred words. im sorry when i lied & told you i would never treat you like this when i am. im sorry you cant define me nemore & you dont know who i am. im sorry i havent done what im told & ive been lazy. im sorry i dont fake it & act like i give a damn nemore. im sorry you feel like you cant trust me. im sorry that ive "apparently" lost control of my anger. im sorry we cant talk nemore without fighting. im sorry youve seen me at my worst. im sorry you have been unable to see all the good in me. im sorry for bein this horrible daughter that iam.

i dont wanna dwell on all this pain nemore.

im done. im sayin goodbye to all the tears ive cried. im done feelin like you wont let me live my life. ya'll probally never forgive me for causing you all this pain & im sorry your unable to do that. but you need to understand where im coming from.

i would think you would knowing you gave birth to me & you always said you'd forgive me for all my faults. you always said never have regrets.

im sorry i cant tell you i love you nemore & mean it. i want to so bad though.

no more second chances with us. i give up. you won!

ive got the last word now...

Saturday, January 31, 2004

your eyes are blinded by painted smiles...

you're just another face in the crowd...

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